Lust is nothing new. Every generation, from the first to the last, will deal with it. If you look at the sexual practices of history, we have always been depraved. What is new is the instant, constant, and free gratification of lust. Porn has changed how we see each other, the value of sex and intimacy, and has destroyed many marriages and relationships. This is my love letter to all the men of gen z and gen alpha.

I found porn when I was 8 years old (back in 2004). It completely changed how I viewed sex and had access to it. It took a hold of me and fundamentally rewired my brain. The reward signals for happiness, satisfaction, drive, contentment, and peace all are disrupted by porn use. Porn will completely change how a grown man’s brain functions within only a handful of uses. It will cause you to be depressed, lack drive, and suffer in ways you can’t imagine. In a child’s brain, this is amplified to an extent I don’t think is fully known. I hope reading this post will help you stop using porn and to fight lust in your life. If you want to see the scientific effects of porn, you can read about them here.

How lust affects us

Lust will destroy you if you let it. When I was still single and searching for women, I would constantly lust. I started to only view women for what was attached to them. I viewed them as sexual objects whose only purpose was for my own pleasure and gratification. I didn’t even see them as human at a certain point. It took years of fighting porn addiction for me to get back to a place where I could have a normal conversation with a woman without manipulating her for sex or fantasizing about her while she was talking. I couldn’t see the value in them or even treat them as a human.

When I became a Christian, this changed wildly. I took what Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-28 seriously (kinda) and started reducing my overwhelming practice of lust in my life. By reducing, I mean I wouldn’t stare non-stop anymore, but I would still look at and lust at everyone woman in the building. Just not constantly. Great compromise, huh? I was deluding myself that this was any better. My porn use was still sky high albeit lower than it used to be (2-4 times a day). God worked on my heart for many years, and I eventually got to the point where I stopped searching for sex and was celibate for 4 years before I married my wife. During this time God was preparing me to be a husband. I read many books and started studying what it meant to be a good biblical man and a good husband. I wanted to not be this thing for my wife. I wanted to be a faithful husband as I had cheated on other women and cheated with other women and got cheated on by other women. Cheating had to end. Which meant that lust had to have no place in my life. Thus, the long war for my eyes and my heart.

The big lie

I always had this thought when I was younger while fighting lust, “If I had a wife this would go away. I could just channel my sexual desires into her”. This was a lie straight from the pit of hell. Our flesh, our eyes, our desires are never satisfied. If you are not content and fighting lust before you are married, marriage will not change a thing. If anything, it will just make the problem worse, as before you were just destroying yourself, now you are destroying both you and your wife. 

For the first year of my marriage, I barely had any sex with my wife. I was too busy with porn. I had no free time or desire for my wife as I channeled all my desire into my fantasy. I forsook the real in favor of the expedient. “Wait 3 hours for my wife to come home from work? Why wait when I can just watch porn now then have sex later?” The sex never came, but the porn sure did. It replaced my wife in many ways that matter more than you can possibly realize. Especially early on into your marriage.

I once had semen on my shirt from watching porn while she was at work, and my wife noticed it when she got home, I lied, and she pressed harder. Afterward, I admitted that I had watched it, and she cried the hardest I have ever seen. She said it felt like she had been cheated on. She was cheated on. When you replace your wife with any other woman it’s cheating. I was committing adultery with women I will never meet because of lust and sin. The only goal I had was to not cheat. Yet, cheating had not ended. It just changed form.

I wasn’t fighting the sin and was quick to give in when tempted. This put a wedge between me and my wife. It wasn’t until the pandemic (Covid 19) that we actually started fixing our relationship. Since we were together every day for 7 months, I never got the opportunity to watch porn other than 10 or so times during that period where I was left alone or would sneak out of bed to watch porn in the other part of the house. Even with my wife home and ready and available for sex, I would still choose porn.

Sex vs porn

Jesus gives only 1 reason for divorce in the bible. Pornea. Sexual sin. Watching porn is a form of pornea and could be grounds for divorce, and rightfully so. I really want you to know and understand how deeply evil and dangerous this thing is. The women in the videos you are watching are abused, humiliated, forced into a twisted and depraved mind, and are raped more often than you realize. But they are stuck in a system, addicted to drugs, and put into a bad situation where they are manipulated into degrading their bodies and suffering deep mental and physical scars that do not heal. You are treating people like commodities. It is the newest form of slavery and I have endorsed it unknowingly for years, then knowingly for several more.

Do you really think the women in the videos want to be treated like a piece of flesh? Like an object? When you don’t see the humanity of the person and just see their sexual prospects do you really think that person will feel valuable? Men tend to enjoy and get off from visual and physical stimulation. Women enjoy sex based on intimacy. They typically have to feel safe, loved, supported, engaged, and paid attention to before they desire sex. Then once they get into the mood from the above, they have to have intimacy deeply involved in the sex to enjoy it. Eye contact, tender touches, communication, intention, love. Porn is the opposite of this. It teaches men that women are just like them. That they desire sex in the same way and will be ready and available at any point to fulfill any sexual desire you want. Then when you get a wife, and she doesn’t do ANY of what you have seen and isn’t ready to go at a moment’s notice, you get frustrated, angry, and there is a separation of intimacy, and you turn back to porn. Which is able to fulfill the desires you want that your wife does not.

The cost in marriage

Comparison is the enemy of contentment. And Porn is the mother of all comparison. You can see millions of naked and eager women willing to do ANYTHING you could think of. With every body shape, size, and color you could want. How could anyone possibly compete with that? Your wife will never let you have a threesome (if she is wise) and nor should you desire that. If I could redo life, I would have liked to have the ONLY woman I ever see naked in my entire life be my wife. I had sex before we were married and had sexual encounters with a number of women before my wife. Every moment of sexual intimacy I’ve had with other women (both real and porn) impacts the sexual intimacy I’ve had with my wife. “Oh, she would let me do this”. “I wish she was more like her”. “If only I could have sex with her again”. “She was better at this”. When you ‘test the waters’ and have many sexual encounters, you are adding unneeded comparisons to your marriage that will destroy the confidence your wife has (if you vocalize it), the pleasure from sex for her (possibly for both of you), and the intimacy you two should be having. When you bounce around relationships quickly, you are not practicing marriage, but divorce.

The most beautiful interactions any two people can have is a deeply intimate moment of mutual pleasure where both people feel valued, loved, and sexy. When you have porn brain, you can’t give your wife that moment. Not only does watching porn rewire the brain to desire new sexual encounters every time due to the Coolidge effect, it makes you have negative rewards (anxiety, depression, anger, etc.) if you have sex with the same sexual partner every time and if you have sex with a less attractive woman. If you are only masturbating to women who are 10’s and your wife is a 9 then you will be punished by your brain, for having real sex with your wife, rather than masturbating to women, you have never, and never will, meet. How evil of a system to be trapped in!

Lust will not be overcome just because you have gained a wife. Lust will persist and destroy and tear down everything in your life. “It’s not that bad, I can manage it.” No, you can’t. It’s a chemical addiction and a spiritual battle. Sexual sin is the one that affects us the most. God knows this and warns us against it via Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:18. The amount of neurochemicals you release when you orgasm from watching porn is 150% the normal levels. It is actually higher than cocaine. From a dopamine reward system standpoint, there are very few things in this world which are more addictive than instant orgasm availability and gratification.

The solution?

One of my favorite verses in the bible is Job 31:1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes to not look lustfully at the flesh of a woman”. Job made a covenant with his eyes to not lust from his sight. God gave us the beautiful gift of sight, yet we use it for evil. Jesus said in the sermon on the mount “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell and if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away”. Matthew 5:29-30. I was born with only 1 working eye. I have often used that eye and my right hand to sin against the Lord with porn. I have often thought about what it would mean for me to remove my working eye to avoid the sin that has taken my life. To be blind so that I could see.

So, what can I do to fight this battle? Get help. Talk to a professional (I would recommend a believer who specializes in sexual addictions). Read the bible and trust in God to give you an out whenever you are tempted. THEN TAKE THE OUT. God says he will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13) and will give us the way to avoid sin. If you are faithful to listen for him, he will be faithful and tell you how to avoid sin. Then you just need to do that, and you will succeed. Make a covenant with your eyes to not look with lust and with your heart to not be stirred with desire. Then keep it.